CD
GMG/Not Silent 1998

PLAYERS
Julio Rey: guitar, vocals
Marc Golob: bass, vocals
Alex A: drums

GUESTS
Gus Mayorga: trumpet
Chris Dauphin: synths
Sprite: violin
Jason Mendelson: 6-string bass and upright bass

Produced by Marc Golob
Recorded at Capstone Music, Miami, 1997-98

1. Frankskanemy! (Rey)/Codebasher (A, Golob, Rey)
2. Face To Face Again (Rey)
3. Dysfunctional (Rey)
4. Friends In The Skies (Rey)
5. John The Baptist Revisited (Rey)
6. My Night Alone (Rey)
7. Ashes (Rey)
8. Lamento (A, Rey)
9. Frank’s Enemy Metro (Dauphin, Golob)
10. Straight Up/Down (Rey)
11. Nothing Changed (Rey)
12. One Of Them (Golob, Rey)
13. Antigod (A, Rey)
14. Another Liberation (Rey)
15. Serenity (Rey)

ILLUMINATION ILLUMINATED (original press release)

Well, I’m doing this about ten months after I thought I’d be doing it. Just goes to show that what I plan and what God plans are two entirely different things sometimes.

ILLUMINATION is finally a reality, after at times thinking it was never going to get done, what with the tumult going on both in Frank’s Enemy and Cling Recordings.

Cling basically changed its name to Graveyard Media Group, leaving the Cling name only for extreme releases. It’s now headed solely by Scott Busbee. I thank God for Scott and his enduring belief in the band and the project all this year.

Frank’s Enemy is now in a state of flux, after both Alex and I left at the end of 1997 to pursue marriage and fatherhood, respectively. The Sprite/Ben Thacker/Jed Brewer lineup is dead, too, due to things not working out with Sprite and Jed going off to school. Ben remains penciled in at drummer. Marc is biding his time as far as finding a new guitarist is concerned.

By the way, both Alex and I achieved our objectives. He’s been married to Marisol since January, and my wife, Kristina, and I are expecting our first child around May of next year. It was a rough year for us, because everything was overshadowed by my father-in-law being senselessly murdered in Lima, Peru on January 26. The healing has been slow, but sure.

Like we did for NEOBLASPHEMIES, I’d like to do a song-by-song comment on ILLUMINATION. First some general thoughts: Marc’s production was different from what I expected (not necessarily a bad thing). He did some experimenting with drum triggers on Alex’s kit. The main thing is that the guitars sound pretty ultra-heavy throughout. I expected the opposite. We pretty much laid the songs out to form a kind of loose narrative, as planned. In terms of the lyrics, I approached this as a definite farewell.

I tried to give the sleeve something of a melancholy/grainy/aged look. Some graphic elements from our two previous sleeves are repeated here. Plus there is a visual pun linking it with the Lead’s first EP’s sleeve. Each song is represented by a small visual on the inner sleeve. I went a bit berserk with the lyric sheet and my only regret is that we have no prizes (like pairs of glasses) to give to anyone who actually reads the whole thing. (11.16.1998)

FRANKSKANEMY!
Intrumental

This is basically a ska riff I’d been annoying everyone with for a few months. Eventually we decided that it would be the perfect opening for the CD, especially segueing into the all-out grind of Codebasher. Marc got Capstone Music guitar teacher Gus Mayorga to do the trumpet overdubs. (11.16.1998)

CODEBASHER

The only Frank’s Enemy tune truly written by all three of us. I structured the whole thing. Alex wrote the intro riff, which is later repeated before and during the guitar solo. I wrote the “grind-salsa” part at the end. The rest of the riffs is Marc ripping me off. The guitar solo was fun to record (it was Marc’s idea): I put down one solo where I tried to play as many notes as possible, and then Marc punched me into the same solo at random in different places doing another solo that was all elongated whammy-bar stuff. So the end result was this insane cascade of shred and noises that no human being could duplicate live. If I may explain my philosophy of solos: I always thought shred guitar was okay, but too clean; and I always thought noise guitar was okay, but too simple. I’ve been trying to marry the two. The words are one of my usual sociopolitical rants about the pressure facing us as Christians daily, as well as the real life-threatening circumstances of Christians world wide today. (11.16.1998)

—

Along with the intro of Frankskanemy!, this is probably Frank’s Enemy’s greatest recorded moment. The obvious reason is apparent after 40 seconds of listening. But there are others. This is the only time that Alex and Marc and I shared a true composing credit. I structured it from riffs that we all came up with. Most of the riffs are Marc’s. The words are mine, and typical Frank’s Enemy socio-poitical commentary. The production is officially Marc’s, although I was there for the mix and actually directed the mix. Marc’s production shows itself in the snare drum, which is a triggered module, and in the guitar solo, which is actually two solos punched in and out of each other. Alex may have never drummed faster in his life either. (01.15.2001)

Two thousand years of oppression
Is the view that’s held today
He’s the cause of all wars
He’s the author of all pain
No one will hear him out
He’s the last minority
No one has a problem with Jesus Christ
Only those who invoke His name

All others have instant forgiveness
But he will have to pay
For the intolerant claims of salvation
Only attained in his one way
Two or three catchphrases will be
Enough to close most doors
Muted whispers of concern
For those who walk into his doors

Forever outside of the fashion culture
Around which the world revolves
Increasingly quaint and inscrutable
Are how his standards will be regarded
The cyanide laden Kool-Aid cup
Will be thrust into his hand
Amidst the laughter and the mockery
The time to make the stand

4/18/97

FACE TO FACE AGAIN

I poached the beat from an acoustic tune I wrote in the early eighties called “Scarlet Football Letter.” This is an example of where my music writing had been heading in the last few months of being in Frank’s Enemy: still heavy but more of a groove, and simpler, too. Hardcore or metalcore, if you will. I’d really been enjoying some of the newer hardcore bands with this type of sound. I tried to sing this a little differently than the usual death/grind style I fell into with the last CD, keeping it guttural but more emotional. Marc went nuts with the production on this one, adding crazy effects to the vocals, a snare sound that was comprised of radio static, and bass virtuoso Jason Mendelson to play a 6-string bass in the “atmospheric” middle section. The lyrics speak to the difficulties that someone may have relating to a parent or authority figure. (11.16.1998)

I’m so sorry I hurt you
And I must do it again
And it hurts me too
But I must do it
Half the time just want to crawl
And apologize
The other half feeling worse
From knowing I’m right

One misstep away
Every day on my game
I try too hard
To survive each day

I have lost touch with what I was
With the lie that it was
They say the pottery must break again
I’m not mad but I wonder when
And if it’s never then this is it
Til the day of my grave’s deliverance
The line remains there to be toed
Rejoice in the patience that will surely grow

I owe you so very much
That I cannot repay
I wish you’d see it
And let me have my one more way
You owe me that much
Owe me to let me pay
You always let me go
But I wanted to stay

10/16/96; 2/24/97

DYSFUNCTIONAL

This was a song I’d written around 1990, which I originally demoed on ATROCITIES, one of the drum machine/Portastudio demos I put out in 1992 under the Frank’s Enemy name. I went to those demos a few times for material, because a) we needed more tunes to fill out the CD, b) they needed to be grindcore tunes (we didn’t want to lose that crowd!) and I really think that with NEOBLASPHEMIES (and a couple of tunes on this CD), grind had run its course with me as a writer (good thing I left the band, right?) and c) I always liked those little short blasts in ATROCITIES, and I was glad to finally do full-band versions of them. The most significant thing here musically is the presence of an actual shred-inspired guitar solo (no one will mistake it for Jeff Scheetz, though). The lyric deals with the inner pain that accompanies all temptation. (11.16.1998)

—-

I’m sure we all have some skeletons in our closets, and this song is about the anguish they can cause if they go undealt with. As you can see, this has been written for a while. I put this out on cassette in 1992 with the help of a drum machine and my Portastudio. Oh, and the music for Destroy was originally written for these lyrics. I decided it would be more useful to concentrate on more evagelical/socio-political stuff. I was still in the Lead in those days.

This recording was really over the top. Alex is really playing at 1000 MPH (not always hitting the kick drum, though-who can tell anyway?). And Marc didn’t push the fader down at the end of the solo, so you have all this squealing and screeching on top of everything else at the end. (11.02.2001)

Endless parade of gross perversions
Like pins pushed into my brain
However short-lived it may be
I remember the sweeteness of the pain
Is the greater sin the act I commited
Or the lie later expressing disgust
That doesn’t exist most of the time
A lack of morals or a lack of trust?

No more blood in my heart
Just concrete pouring in
Protection from conviction
Mortared by my sin
My face slowly turns to stone
No one gets inside
Now I have my secret place
Now I can hide

The white I wore in my dreams
Irrevocably blackened
Anger settling over my eyes
At finding myself lacking
I let them into my darkest halls
And I hate myself for it
They never knew as they overturned things
What was being destroyed

Replaying and reliving
The dark passages of my life
Smiling as I wreak the vengeance
I can never realize
My hands and eyes stay on me
I have made my choice
The big man I am inside
Will never use my voice

I make the lame excuses I heard before
And didn’t tolerate
I look into the mirror
And what I see I surely hate
Wretch that I am
Who’ll free me from the body of death
The answer’s written in my stone
Waiting for my breath

10/17/89

FRIENDS IN THE SKIES

Another tune pulled off an early demo (FINAL ABSOLUTION, 1992). I actually wrote this as filler, since FINAL ABSOLUTION was to be submitted to R.E.X. (my then-record company with the Lead) in the wake of the Lead having broken up. I just wanted to have a whole project’s worth of songs (and since there was no rehearsing or other band members involved, I could almost make up music as I went along). So I never really liked this one too much, but Alex had loved it from the beginning. So, in keeping with the “everything but the kitchen sink” approach of this CD, I dusted it off and we recorded it. It’s pretty straight forward ’80s thrash (I told Marc that I wanted the mix to perm hair upon first listen-not sure we got there, but dig the big snare sound and the second-rate Billy Sheehan bass tone and the low-grade James Hetfield riffing!), except for the downtuning and Marc’s out-of-time hillbilly vocals (that’s his comment on the typical UFO witness). Chris Dauphin added the outer space keyboard overdubs and Sprite (who was part of the new FE for a few months) threw in some crazy dissonant viola-sawing. As far as the words go, this is basically my opinion on UFOs and what they might be (probably satanic manifestations). (11.16.1998) 

Everybody wants to make
Friends in the skies
Trying to ascend to
Planes of existence on high
Falling into trances
And trying to float away
Given up on earth and people
Headed for the astral plane

Certain of their help
To past civilizations
Ancient earth scattered with
Earth base stations
The angels aren’t so far
They’re in the mothership
Theirs is the power
They’ve been given lordship

And if there’s life on other planets
Then we’re sure that we must know
And they’ve been here here once already
And will come back to save our souls

Friends in the skies
Kidnap me today
Friends in the skies
See you in my dreams
Friends in the skies
My ears are open
Friends in the skies
I’ll spread your prophecies

Everybody wants to make
Friends in the skies
With radar dish beams
And interplanetary satellites
Before the planet collapses
Under the weight of man
In search of saviors
For an ultimate weapons ban

Ecstatic in the explanations
For the existence of God
And the sophisticated advancements
Rendering Him obsolete as Lord
The gods aren’t so far
They’re in the mothership
Theirs is the power
They’ll be given worship

And if there’s life on other planets
Then we’re sure that we must know
And they’ve been here here once already
And will come back to save our souls

Friends in the skies
Kidnap me today
Friends in the skies
See you in my dreams
Friends in the skies
My ears are open
Friends in the skies
I’ll spread your prophecies

Everybody wants to make
Friends in the skies
Do they know they seek after
Something already familiarized
Sugar coated manifestations
Designed to achieve control
Of minds unsure and hungry
In their unacknowledged souls

A vibrant alternative
To the drab oppressive Church
Obtainig maximum experiences
With just a little work
The gods aren’t so far
They’re in the air all around
Theirs is the power
Since they were brought down

And if there’s life on other planets
Then we’re sure that we must know
And they’ve been here here once already
And will come back to save our souls

Friends in the skies
Kidnap me today
Friends in the skies
See you in my dreams
Friends in the skies
My ears are open
Friends in the skies
I’ll spread your prophecies

6/26/91

JOHN THE BAPTIST REVISITED

Another short blast, originally on ATROCITIES, this was an early experiment combining grind and hip-hop (sort of), directly descended from “Hope You Stay Alive” by the Lead. The lyrics are my opinion of the John MacArthur-GOSPEL ACCORDING TO JESUS train of thought on salvation (basically I disagree with it and believe that what they preach amounts to salvation by works). Good subject matter for grindcore, eh? Marc does the rapping part at the end, as well as some cutting loose with bass-slapping.  (11.16.1998) 

—

It’s not too often that you see a scholarly theological debate put into a grind song. A friend of mine was on a rampage against John MacArthur’s book, The Gospel According To Jesus (my friend went to Dallas Theological Seminary), which states that basically you’re not really saved if your life doesn’t reflect it. So if you really slipped yesterday, pray for salvation all over again. Zane Hodges, one of my friend’s instructors, disgreed vehemently in his book, Absolutely Free, stating that no matter how badly you backslide, you are still covered by the blood of Christ and saved from the lake of fire. I still agree with Hodges to this day, however, I do believe that taking up one’s cross daily is not an option, and there is a stiff price to be paid for sin (but not the ultimate price of eternal damnation). E-mail me if you want more of my current view…

Another crazed Illumination recording. Marc (who produced the CD) wanted to make the levels “hotter” on this song and Face To Face Again when he heard the final mix. So he took the master and did something to it which made those two songs twice as loud than the rest of the CD. He also contributed the funky bass and unfunky rapping in the slow part. (11.02.2001)

Stone the liars with our words
Faith is dead without good works
You must repent, you must change
You can’t get to Heaven the easy way
A few will pass, maybe one or two
Too much sin and your salvation’s not true
No blood can cover up a lie
Better be ready the day you die

If you doubt repent and be saved once again
And after the next rash of sins
Before you help your neighbor in need
And say “Lord, Lord, see my deed”
Be sure, be sure, remember last night
Can you say your soul is pure and white?
Does your life negate your supposed salvation?
Too much sin repeals its validation

A blade of no return suspended somewhere over your head
Go beyond and you were always dead
Re-crucify yourself again and again
And come back again next week for your confession
May all these words burn upon you well
I hope I pleased God trying to keep you from hell
Hope I see you in Heaven, you know what to do
Got to go now and make sure my salvation’s true

8/12/90

MY NIGHT ALONE

A different version of this appears on yet another demo, DOUBLE LIFE (1993), which was all acoustic. I always thought this song had a lot of potential for a full-band version, and I’m not disappointed. The song reveals itself as somewhat metalcore in its feel. I tried to make the arrangement interesting by treating each of the verses a different way (1-voice and doubled rhythm guitars only, 2-full band, 3-voice and clean guitar with noise in back). We also employed the “I want to live in America” time signature that we used at the end of “Torturer” in the choruses. Now it can be known that that riff in “Torturer” was originally on this song. So I had to write a new riff to fit the chorus. I also opted for the shrill, vocal cord-tearing singing style that’d I’d used before on occasion (but this time throughout the whole song). The lyrics deal with a reaction to a perceived betrayal and a realization of the consequences of that reaction. (11.16.1998) 

That night there was no solution
And even now looking from so far away
I still can see no real solution
Like we’re still living on that day
For me no day defined before and after
Like that one did so decisively
And every new day instead of healing
Makes me look back more painfully

On my night alone
I threw my life down the toilet
I tore my medals off my chest
I swore that this would be death
On my night alone

Did my tongue wag too much before?
Could a few words have sealed our fate?
No forgiveness allowed or forgiveness given
I said no to love and yes to hate
Some attempted praises I subtly botched
Outstretched hands did I ignore
Wrapped in a self-made coccoon of sorrows
Thinking of all that went on before

On my night alone
I threw my life down the toilet
I tore my medals off my chest
I swore that this would be death
On my night alone
Satan stood by my side
Took me for a hellish ride
I lit candles to my pride

That day stayed with me for months
Guided my every word and move
Laughed inside at all the wreckage
And I knew that we were doomed
With washed hands I watched
The events that sealed our fate
Til I saw what I’d really done
And then it was too late

On my night alone
I threw my life down the toilet
I tore my medals off my chest
I swore that this would be death
On my night alone
Satan stood by my side
Took me for a hellish ride
I lit candles to my pride

Julio Rey
January 15, 1992

ASHES

On ATROCITIES, this is called “Moby-Dick #3″ but Marc hated that title so much that I had to change it. I kept explaining to him that it had more to do with Herman Melville than Robert Plant, but it didn’t budge him and I didn’t care that much. Another all-out grinder, with another chaotic solo, this time with one of the guitars treated with the notorious DOD Buzz Box, which we used all over the place in NEOBLASPHEMIES. The song’s original title was symbolic of the struggle portrayed in the lyrics. Sometimes when you go after something too hard and give it all up for it, it can take you down to the bottom like Moby Dick took Captain Ahab. (11.16.1998)

—-

1989-1990 was a particularly depressing time where it was easy for me to question everything I was doing. This is me trying to deal with it and trying to make a stand.

This most distinct trait of this recording is the punch in/out solo between regular guitar sound and Buzz Box guitar sound. I tried to play the same solo twice with each effect while Marc punched me in and out. Interesting results. Like bad shredding being played on a broken transistor radio. (11.02.2001)

It’s hard to admit I’m wrong sometimes
But even harder to admit I’m right
Compromise as the sun rises and falls
Just trying to avoid the fight
Thinking I’m upholding my purpose from God
While my soul and spirit fall apart
I smile and play along with everything
As I lie to my own heart

The things I think Satan wants torn apart
Maybe it’s him holding them together
His hand not behind the malfunctions
But the tensions that ensue with others
It’s all a game I play along with
Close your eyes and bow your head
I get home and I ponder my lies
And I know that I am dead

Each Christian life in the balance
More important than any charade
Who’s purpose only delays the inevitable
And ultimately sends it into the flames
With foundation in place I must stand
The compromise must end
Or God will walk me through the ashes
Of my noble accomplishments

11/24/89

LAMENTO

My last grindcore song, and my first Spanish grindcore song. Ever since we met our Mexican brothers Lament, I’d wanted to do a tribute like this for them, as fellow Latins. Musically it has three parts: first, your basic grind/speed part, second, a “grind Tex-Mex” riff, and third, a straight ’80s metal riff (I think I remember some Iron Maiden songs that sound like this-I never liked them, though) that was contributed by Alex. The lyrics are somewhat derived from Habbakuk-a lament on the human condition of depravity. Up to this point, ILLUMINATION plays like your basic grind/death/metal CD. Now it gets weird. (11.16.1998)

—-

I first met Mexico City’s Lament when they were called Beheaded back when we played at the Mosh Fest 1996 in Michigan. Alex and I served as their translators. They came by to catch our set at Texas Rock Fest 1997 and said hello. Marc saw them at Cornerstone 1998. I interviewed them for HM in 1999, when their latest CD came out. Afterward they offered to pay my way to Mexico City to talk to them and give enouragement to their scene. Unfortunately, I’ve had to devote virtually all of my time to my family and couldn’t consider it.

This is a great band, with much integrity and sense of righteousness, that I am pleased to call my friends.

I wrote the lyrics and most of the music. It stands as the last grindcore song I ever wrote as well as the first with Spanish lyrics. The middle part is an attempt to combine grind and Tex-Mex. I’m sure this is pretty obvious. The idea of going acoustic in the middle of the song was inspired by Lament’s own music. Alex came up with the Iron Maiden-like riffs at the end. (02.14.2001)

He aqui
Mi lamento
He aqui
Lo que yo siento

Me siento que mi cabeza se me va a explotar
Por las cosas que yo veo y que no puedo explicar

He aqui
Mi lamento
He aqui
Lo que yo siento

La Verdad de eternidad que esta delante de nuestros ojos
Sumamente ignorada por la mayoría de nosotros

He aqui
Mi lamento
He aqui
Lo que yo siento

Me siento que mi cabeza se me va a explotar
Por las cosas que yo veo y que no puedo explicar
La Verdad de eternidad que esta delante de nuestros ojos
Sumamente ignorada por la mayoría de nosotros

O Senor
Ven pronto
Tu justicia
Sobre nosotros
Igual a mi
Aunque yo teme
Porque asi
Yo te vere

La solucion no es facil
En nuestras manos esta
Para ponerla en manos de Jesus
La fe que El no fallara

Yo prefiero los lamentos
Y las lagrimas del dia final
Que se derramen en los cielos
Que Dios las va a secar

6/2/97;9/18/97;
11/18/97

FRANK’S ENEMY METRO
(Instrumental)

This was Marc’s idea and project from the get-go. He’d always wanted to do some kind of dance tune/remix based on our music. He originally envisioned this being on a separate CD. I thought it would be the perfect thing to put right in the middle of this CD, since I don’t think anybody would be expecting it. The music was basically created by Chris Dauphin, on all his equipment, using mostly our sounds from some NEOBLASPHEMIES songs. Try to identify all the samples! At the end there’s this part where my voice is sampled and looped into this continuous stream of mysto-grunting. Pretty interesting. (11.16.1998)
 

STRAIGHT UP/DOWN

Now the CD moves somewhat away from grind. The only remnants are my occasional vocals and downtuning. This is another example of where my writing was heading; groove metalcore but this time with an attempted hip-hop feel and start and stop guitars. Marc and I trade vocals (me still growling). The solo is Marc with a bass and octave pedal. The lyrics are a declaration of the need to proclaim the whole Gospel, and it isn’t done by tossing tracts around. (11.16.1998)

—-

If I would have stayed in Frank’s Enemy, I would have kept going with this type of song. Maybe we would have ridden POD’s coattails and become billionaires like them (right…).

We played this on tour in 1997, with me doing all the vocals. I actually wanted Marc to sing it all, but he wanted us to trade off. I think I works well. He also did the crazy sounds with a bass going through an octave pedal a la Tom Morello. He did this live as well.

The lyrics are an exhortation to present the complete Gospel when evangelizing. That is my pastor’s first step when witnessing: tell the person to read the Gospel of John first, then you can talk. (09.08.2001)

I told you about the work and all that it means
God came down as Jesus and fulfilled the the ultimate dream
A gift wrapped in His blood and it’s ours to take
You will hear that the just shall live by faith

But I sing a song sung so many times before
A familiar message with familiar holes
You should have questions and they should be answered
It will not happen while I stand up here and you sit down there

Straight up/down
The time will come

There’s more to the Gospel than this
But everybody seems to want the Reader’s Digest
I too am guilty of encapsulation
To a concise five-step plan of salvation

But can you blame me when we’re on the Titanic
On this sinking system of things satanic
Like Paul walking down the gallery of the gods
In a battle where it gets hard to like the odds

Straight up/down

I could be hit and run and shove it down your throat
To win the argument would be my highest hope
And maybe make you say the words and pray they’re true
Just like how everybody taught me to do

But you could grab the Book and start to read for yourself
Not decide on your afterlife from the words of my mouth
Matthew Mark Luke John could probably tell the story best
And you can always call us: silenot@safari.net

10/11/96;10/15/96;
10/26/96;12/5/96

NOTHING CHANGED

A little old-school faster hardcore rears its head, although the intro riff grinds a little, but I don’t growl the vocals. This is pretty similar to INEVITABLE from NEOBLASPHEMIES. These types of songs come out of me once in a while. The lyrics deal with accepting responsibility for one’s life and actions, and realizing that God didn’t create us to bellyache to Him about our problems. (11.16.1998) 

And so I lashed out outside and in
Vented my anger at every whim
I kicked the dog after poisoning his food
I couldn’t think of anything else to do

And I was scared
Oh Lord so scared
And I couldn’t dare
To really think about it all

And today
Nothing has changed
Nothing changed
Nothing has changed at all

And so I sink and sink and withdraw in
Looking up numbers of suicide hotlines
I almost cry no specific reason why
I fantasize about the day I die

And I am scared
Oh Lord so scared
And when will I dare
To really think about it all

Because this way
Nothing will change
Nothing will change
Nothing will change at all

9/29/96;10/15/96;
10/22/96

ONE FOR THEM

More hardcore of the old-school variety with some metal touches to it. It’s sung by Marc, who contributed the opening riff. This almost could have been on the Lead’s PAST BEHIND back in 1987. The lyrics are something of a breakthrough, as it is the first time I ever wrote a song about racism that rang true to myself after I was finished with it. The easy thing when dealing with this subject matter is to make blanket statements about how wrong it is. The harder thing is facing up to the racism that lingers in the corners of our own hearts, in spite of our best intentions. (11.16.1998)

I could never be them
Though my blood is just as red
And we all grieve our beloved
That end up just as dead

I can feel the anger
At the old atrocities
But I know it’s not the same
Knowing it wouldn’t have happened to me

And I’m no good with cheap sloganeering
About making dreams come true
The answer is somewhere at the foot of the cross
However hard we’ve tried to make it untrue

I remember McDuffie and how I had to stay home
Not understanding why because I also thought those cops were wrong
Until later I caught myself laughing at my friends’ racist jokes
Me the adult white male, I finally grew up

And so the drugs enslave with the laws that imprison
State sponsored plantations disguised and hidden
And I don’t want to fear a man anymore
But then when one of them knocks at my door

9/28/95;1/18/96

ANTIGOD

This is in the same vein as STRAIGHT UP/DOWN, and Alex wrote the riff for the chorus (the song starts with it). It was cool because Alex had written this along with a few other riffs and I had this song done but I didn’t like the chorus riff. Alex’s riff fit perfectly. The solo is another interesting excursion by Marc: a bass scraped on a cymbal, with me operating an octave pedal and a wah-wah at the same time. Maybe it would have been easier to use a record and turntable to get a similar sound, but this is cooler. The lyrics are pretty up-front, dealing again with personal responsibility in a positive way. There’s also a bit of a caution: sometimes a perceived miracle could be a lost blessing. We learn more from failure than from success. (11.16.1998)
 

Up front I say nothing is owed to me
And there’s no doubt about God’s power and love that be
I don’t blame Satan if I make a wrong choice
I’ve got the Bible if I need God’s voice

To be deserving of retribution
Is not religious persecution
If God has to do a job that He has for me
It’s not a miracle it’s His mercy

Would you say
I’m anti-God these days?

Things I took for blessings turned out to be thorns
Things I took for fiery darts turned out to bless me more
I found I had to watch my prayers-they might come true
To make me grow I need to be broken too
Will I be happy to rejoice in His day?
Regardless of whatever comes my way?
After so many have run away?
In the face of all the doubt and pain?

Would you say
I’m anti-God these days?

Up front I say nothing is owed to me
No magic prayer carpets to prosperity
My highest hope is the martyr’s death
God in His wisdom probably won’t put me to that test

Would you say
I’m anti-God these days?

12/4/96;2/26/97;
3/15/97

ANOTHER LIBERATION

Well, this was actually written in 1987, so it was a Lead song the Lead never got to do. I had a little fun ineptly playing a piano and a vintage 1970s ARP synthesizer (this continues a trend: on the first CD, Marc had a bad guitar solo on MAN, YOU MADE A LONELY WORLD, then on NEOBLASPHEMIES Alex had a bad guitar solo on INEVITABLE; since I already do bad guitar solos all the time, I decided to pummel away at keyboards for my moment on this CD). Marc and I “sing” the piano intro (no, we weren’t on anything) leading into more old-school hardcore (with all the crazy overdubs thrown in)-I didn’t even do metal-style riffing, it’s all straight downstroked power chords. This is the closest thing to praise lyrics I’ve written in Frank’s Enemy OR the Lead, rejoicing at being delivered from sin. And realizing it was probably going to have to happen again soon. (11.16.1998) 

He’s freed me once again
From the mess I got myself in
How could I have ever thought
That He could ever give me up?
When He invested His life in me
When He looked ahead to me
Satan fought hard to bring me down
Jesus effortlessly brings me round

I was in the pit of my own thoughts
Heard the hellhounds, started feeling hot
I was crawling on the floor, I couldn’t pray
Saw dark clouds over the rest of my days

Don’t ask me how it happened, I did nothing
Don’t know how I got above, I have no wings
When you hear “greater is He…” you’d best believe it
A power greater than me and the one who oppressed me

The one who oppressed me
It’s another liberation
Once again

Will I fall again in days or weeks?
Will I fail again to run from the deceit?
If I do I hope I remember this day
When Jesus came and grabbed me as I ran away

Though I’m lukewarm, He’ll stay the same
He’s stuck with me I have nothing to say
Falling over and over and over again
Look up from the floor and I’m pulled up again

I’m pulled up again
It’s another liberation
One more time

He’s freed me once again
From the mess I got myself in
How could I have ever thought
That He could ever give me up?

Though I’m lukewarm, He’ll stay the same
He’s stuck with me I have nothing to say
Falling over and over and over again
Look up from the floor and I’m pulled up again

8/4/87

SERENITY

The obligatory understated finish-except this is really the end (at least of me in the band)! This was recorded with a couple of mikes (to give the sense of the space in the room), me on acoustic and live vocals and Alex playing with brushes. Marc again got bass virtuoso student from the University of Miami Jason Mendelson to overdub an upright bass. Sprite threw in some lovely violas at the beginning. I guess this is kind of an acoustic jazz/hip-hop thing. The lyrics deal with accepting the past, for better or worse, and moving on. (11.16.1998) 

No mother ever loved her child like mine
And what I realize now makes for a difficult time
We try our best with good intents but it’s trial and error
Now we’re left digging into ourselves for our terrors

I was not the most picked on kid
But I sure hate a lot of people for a lot of things they did
Sometimes I think I’m still controlling the damage
That could drive me into realms of thought so savage

Serenity
I must decide on my serenity

Some I love have now died
I won’t regain those moments replace the times I didn’t try
To be to them what I feel I should have been
Sometimes dreams just turn out to be dreams

And some things that were done to me
I know I turned around and I did to someone else
Who might now be hating or forgiving me
I have a Lord to follow I begin by forgiving myself

10/22/96; 10/23/96